The Mattress


There was a lady in Port Ramsay

Who was suffering terrible pain

And thoughts of what was wrong with her

Was causing her great strain


She decided to give up smoking

She decided to give up drink

But as the pain was not subsiding

There was clearly no medical link


The theories they continued

“Was a baby on the way”

But one thing was clear to all

The pain was here to stay


The doctor poked and prodded her

And scratched his weary head

Before prescribing her an aspirin

And confining her to bed


There she tossed and turned

Like an old Port Ramsay smack

With pain along her belly

Going deep behind the back


Then off she went to Oban

To have an Ultra-sound

But after great inspection

Nothing could be found


The pain it still continued

Causing grave and great distress

Until she hit upon the cure

“I need a new mattress”


Out went all the lotions

Out went all the colourful pills

While she dumped her old mattress

Shaped like Alashar’s Ancient Hills


Now she sleeps so soundly

On a bed of waters calm

And dreams of her foreign travels

And can still enjoy a dram!!

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