There was a lady in Port Ramsay
Who was suffering terrible pain
And thoughts of what was wrong with her
Was causing her great strain
She decided to give up smoking
She decided to give up drink
But as the pain was not subsiding
There was clearly no medical link
The theories they continued
“Was a baby on the way”
But one thing was clear to all
The pain was here to stay
The doctor poked and prodded her
And scratched his weary head
Before prescribing her an aspirin
And confining her to bed
There she tossed and turned
Like an old Port Ramsay smack
With pain along her belly
Going deep behind the back
Then off she went to Oban
To have an Ultra-sound
But after great inspection
Nothing could be found
The pain it still continued
Causing grave and great distress
Until she hit upon the cure
“I need a new mattress”
Out went all the lotions
Out went all the colourful pills
While she dumped her old mattress
Shaped like Alashar’s Ancient Hills
Now she sleeps so soundly
On a bed of waters calm
And dreams of her foreign travels
And can still enjoy a dram!!